For reasons that are too complicated to explain here, we never went to church when I was a child, but that doesn't mean that I didn't come from a religious family. I received a Bible for Christmas when I was about seven, and, being curious about such matters, I set about reading it as best as I could.

Most of it went right over my head without even pausing, but one thing that interested me was the Ten Commandments. I'd seen portions of the movie The Ten Commandments on TV, and thought it was super weird and confusing, not to mention scary as hell. I didn't want anything even connected with that movie to ever happen to me, so I figured that I should probably learn the Ten Commandments and stick to them if I knew what was good for me.

The thing was, I didn't really understand them. Some of them were obvious, such as “Thou shalt not kill” and “Thou shalt not steal.” I wasn't planning on killing anyone, and my mom would most likely kill me if I ever stole anything, so those ones would be easy. Other commandments, on the other hand, would require some adult help for me to interpret.

The one that sticks out most was “Thou shalt not take my name in vain.” I asked some grown-ups what this meant, and they told me that while it was okay to say the word “God” if I was praying, it was not okay to say something such as “Gawd! Gag me with a spoon!” That was taking His name in vain because you were not actually talking about God, and he didn't like that. It was just as bad as killing someone, apparently.

What I took this to mean was that while God ignored almost everything else we humans ever said, every time someone said, “God,” God could hear it and would perk up as if he had to respond to it. He'd be busy wadding up stardust into comets and whipping them around the firmament, and then suddenly some valley girl would take his name in vain, and he'd have to stop what he was doing to figure out what she wanted. Eventually, he'd figure out that she didn't want anything and in fact she wasn't even talking to him, which would seriously piss him off and consequently he'd damn her to Hell for all eternity.

The whole thing seemed plausible. But still, it probably never once stopped me from taking the Lord's name in vain.

"Gawd! Gag me with a spoon!" is a tale brought to you by I Used To Be Stupid. Have your own you'd like the world to see? Submit it now!

Related posts:

1. Churchgoers don't have sex.

I grew up in a very religious family that attended church every Sunday. We memorized the ten commandments and I came to believe that adultery in "Thou shalt not commit adultery" was the same thing as sex. Even when I was in middle school and learned that sex was the way babies are made, I still believed that my church members didn't have sex. I just assumed that some how if the husband and wife rolled over the same spot at different times the woman would get pregnant.

I remember being completely shocked when I found out what adultery really was!

Churchgoers don't have sex. is a tale brought to you by I Used To Be Stupid. Have your own you'd like the world to see? Submit it now!

Related posts:

1. How Boy Babies Aren't Made
2. Chocolate Milk = Black Baby
3. Second Kiss of Pregnancy